it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
