thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
