I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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