he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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