So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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