I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
