either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
