Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
