i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
