3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
