You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
