my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
