So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
