god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
