So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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