Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
