I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
