If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
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cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.