On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
