The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.