The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
