Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I cockslap morals
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I want a musical about memes.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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