So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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