you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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