She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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