I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
