im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
