At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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