dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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