If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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