we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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