you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
