I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
