I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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