Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You made out with two different species that night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
