ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
