Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
