I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
