Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
