I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
