were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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