i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
