Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
