I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
