I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
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I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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