i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
