yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
