i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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