My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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