ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i love accidental penises.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
