even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
