lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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