Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
