Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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