halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
