My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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