Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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