I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
