you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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