Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
