Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
