I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
