piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
