yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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