Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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