Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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