So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
