honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
