Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
im holly from the hills drunk
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
