Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
